After Combat

After the Battle Is Over

By Theodore Knell
(Veteran of 22 years with British Special Forces)

Sitting here alone on my cot
surrounded by my friends
in a silence that is deafening
apart from the one voice that’s no longer here
but now booms out around the room

Few are willing to make eye contact
but those that do quickly turn away
unwilling to share their feelings
feelings that are trapped behind their pleading eyes
eyes dancing with questions
searching for answers
answers to questions that none of us are willing to ask

We’ve been back over an hour now
but still we are unwilling to surrender our weapons
instead we cuddle them
like small boys with our favourite ted
it’s the only comfort we have left
providing the false safety we so desperately desire

Eventually the silence is broken
by the oldest and wisest amongst us
a heavy burden for one who’s still only twenty three
“let’s get these weapons cleaned
grab some scoff
and some shut eye”

But me
I would rather sit here and talk
speak his name out loud
search for those elusive answers
shed some of this guilt

because it coulda, woulda, shoulda been me

Website note: If this poem describes how you or anyone else you know feels, please read the information on recognizing PTSD symptoms.

Note from Theodore Knell about how difficult it is to recognize PTSD symptoms:

One psychological evaluation I had following a particularly vicious operation where most of the combat was at close quarters, hand to hand, concluded: “This man’s memory is the most frightening place I’ve ever been.”

But it still didn’t register that it might become a problem, and I was back in combat, somewhere else in the world, five weeks later.

Theodore Knell has authored a memoir — FROM THE CORNERS OF A WOUNDED MIND — about his years as a British Special Forces soldier. It is an incredibly moving account of what it feels like to be a combat soldier. Read a review of the book now.