Comedy at the Skokie Theater*

*True story of Al Zimbler’s life as it appears in his eighth short story humor book MORE BEDTIME STORIES FOR NIGHTTIME LOVERS.

The email announced the standup comedy course. Four Saturdays of two-hour sessions taught by a long-time standup comedy star. I read the email and quickly sent a check to make sure I got in the course.

On that first Saturday there were three of us students along with our teacher: myself, a man named Steven and a man named Robert. We sat around a card table as the class started.

Our teacher spoke of his career and it was his hope that, at the end of the four weeks of classes, we would be capable of doing a five-minute performance at an open mic show to be held at the Skokie Theater where we were taking the classes. He informed us that everyone is afraid to go on stage and do a comedy routine for the first time. He said it was like sex for the first time: Your audience either cheers you for a repeat performance or it becomes a once-and-goodbye shot.

He advised us that, before we went on stage for the first time, we walk around backstage to shake our fright. He also said it would be a good idea to drink two cups of black coffee to steady our nerves. I said that, if I drank those two cups of coffee, I would have to make a fast retreat to the men’s room and change my wet underwear to Depend sanitary shorts. They all laughed.

He then gave us a pamphlet to fill out in class for the next half hour of time. The pamphlet had prompts for which we were to give more than one answer. The first prompt was PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES. All three of us students had the same first answer: “They shouldn’t walk around nude in their house.” I also wrote other answers: “Curtains aren’t needed” and “Be sure you close the bathroom door when in there.”

Other prompts and my answers were as follows:

HE WHO HESITATES: “Will never marry” and “He will never run a red light.”

THE BIGGER THEY ARE: “The longer it will take to fall down” and “The larger the bed.”

WHERE THERE IS SMOKE: “There are people coughing” and “Firemen will soon make an appearance.”

TWO HEADS ARE BETTER THAN ONE: “But not on one person” and “Not if they are in separate beds.”

MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS: “But it sure helps to have some” and “Women might appreciate you no matter how you look.”

YOU CAN’T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER: “You can return it to the library if you haven’t purchased it” and “Ask a friend first if they have read it or know someone who has.”

A BIRD IN THE HAND: “Is not a healthy place for it to be” and “It’s easier to throw it out of the house.”

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO: “A large monthly water bill” and “Smelling good all the time.”

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY: “Has lots of blind dates” and “Is hardly ever by himself.”

EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE: “Means your kidneys are working overtime” and “You get your choice of which side of the bed you want to sleep on.”

That part of class ended at noon. Suddenly Steven dug into his briefcase and pulled out a can of tuna fish, a soft drink, a fork, and a package of crackers. He started eating his lunch while the class was going on. The rest of us just looked at him and smiled. His answers to the same above prompts were as smelly as his tuna fish lunch.